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The 13 best porn names you’ll see at the Olympics

August 1, 2012

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Victoria Poon (Swimming)

Fortunately, “Victorious Poon” works for defeating swimmers and weiners.

It’s clear that these Olympians were always destined for greatness, whether in the arena of sports or the far more exciting arena of professional having-sex-on-camera. Both require honing your body for the particular needs of your event. Gymnasts are always 5’3″ or smaller with a slightly stocky build. Titanic Jug Bunnies have very stringent requirements, although performance enhancing implants are widely suspected and encouraged. Female weightlifting is, of course, both things at once.

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Karen Cockburn (Trampoline)

So bouncy, it hurts.

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Yoshie Takeshita (Volleyball)

On your chest is where she aims her signature spike.

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Milica Mandic (Taekwondo)

Her black belt isn’t the only thing hanging down in her crotch region.

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Dong Dong (Trampoline)

His double dongs make every sexual encounter a threesome.

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Brent Newdick (Decathalon)

They could rebuild it. They had the technology. Better, stronger, faster.

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Werner Muff (Equestrian)

He’s a hard rider, so, seriously, warn her muff.

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Peter Mankock (Swimming)

For when you get tired of Peter Boykock.

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Liam Tancock (Swimming)

Trains for the backstroke naked. That’s how it gets tan.

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Semen Antonov (Basketball)

Actually not a human, but a giant Russian spermatazoa.

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